Feeling the cool breeze against my face while drinking a cup of coffee.
Listening to the waves of the water. Its so quiet,calming and peaceful. Just the way I like it.
Then my mind wonders into a different thought process.
I start to think about all the obstacles and challenges I had to endure after my mother died when I was twelve. It was a lot of heart ache & pain I had to deal with at a young age.
That pain carried on into my adulthood.
I’m still hurting and it’s going to take some time to heal.
About two years ago, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. At that time, I did not know anything about this disorder. So, I want to share some information about it and express how having Major Depressive Disorder affects my daily life.
Major Depressive Disorder also known as unipolar Major Depression is characterized by a persistent feeling of sadness outside stimuli. The causes of this disorder come from genetics. I have family members who has this disorder. We as individuals went through something traumatic in our life and this disorder affects us in different ways. Talking with them about it makes me feel less alone. One fact I found interesting was the reason for women experiencing Major Depression more than men is due fluctuating hormones and genetic predisposition particularity around the times of puberty, childbirth, and menopause.
There are different types of depression disorders. Just to name a few…
Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD
Postpartum Depression
Psychotic Depression
Melancholic Depression
Atypical Depression
Catatonic Depression
The signs and symptoms of this disorder are negative thinking with inability to see positive solutions.
Agitation
Restlessness
Inability to focus
Lashing out at a loved one
Irritability
Withdrawing from loved ones and regular activities
Increase in sleeping
Exhaustion and lethargy
Morbid, suicidal thoughts
Weight loss or gain
The treatment methods for this disorder are psychotherapy, antidepressant medications and other somatic therapies.
Having Major Depressive Disorder is challenging. Its hard for me to function at work and school. Most days I want to be left alone. I do not want to leave the house to hang out with friends and family. Its hard for me to sleep during the night because my brain will not shut off and I spend most of my time sleeping during the day. My mood is always up and down. I feel like my disorder takes control over my life. It is frustrating and overwhelming, but I always find myself pushing through this obstacle and I come out stronger.
Depression: A feeling of severe despondency and dejection.
My definition of depression means darkness, drowning in water, falling in a deep black hole. When I’m in deep depression I start having these dark thoughts of not wanting to be here. It causes me not to be able to think and function properly. I feel alone and trapped. Having depression makes me feel numb, emotionless, or not knowing how to feel. I get physically and mentally tired. Its emotionally draining and doesn’t make me feel happy because of all the overwhelming emotions and thoughts. Its absolutely frustrating when I’m in my happy zone and depression creeps up on me out of nowhere. It makes me feel like I’m not allowed to be happy. My mind always shifts to a dark place at night. I have nightmares, I want to be alone and this loud voice feeding me things I don’t want to hear. I don’t like when my mind is silent. I wish it would go away.
“Focus on yourself. Your mental health is important.”
Mindfulness is a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique. The practice of mindfulness is part of mental health that helps reduce anxiety and depression. It involves breathing methods, guided imagery, and other practices to relax the body and mind.
Its important to pay attention. It’s hard to slow down and notice things in the busy world. Try to take time to experience your environment with all of your senses- touch, sound, sight, smell and taste.
Mindfulness affects many aspects of our psychological well-being, improving the mood, increases positive emotions, and decreases anxiety, emotional reactivity, and job burnout. Their are some helpful techniques and exercise to help keep your mind clear and relaxed. The Self-Compassion Pause, The Observer Meditation, Five Senses Exercise, The 3-Step Mindfulness Exercise, Mindful Walking Down the Street Technique and The 3-Minute Breathing Space.
The three aspects of mindfulness are…
Intention-Your intention is what you hope to get from practicing mindfulness.
Attention-Mindfulness is about paying attention to your inner or outter experience.
Attitude-Mindfulness involved paying attention to certain attitudes, such as curiosity acceptance and kindness.
The goal of any mindfulness technique is to achieve a state of alert, focused relaxation by deliberately paying attention to thoughts and sensations without judgement. This allows the mind to refocus on the present moment.
Since this is Mental Health Awareness Month, I want to talk about how important it is to take care of your mental health. Recently, I was in a bad place. My depression and anxiety was out of control. I felt like I was losing myself as a person.
It was the last week of the Spring semester, I had finals that week and Mother’s Day weekend was coming up (Mother’s Day has always been a tough holiday for me since my mom passed). I was feeling stressed out and overwhelmed with everything that was going on in my life at that time. I was in deep depression. I would always put myself put things and people before me. I decided it would be best to not attend any classes this summer like I had planned. Its best to take a break until August (fall semester) and focus more on my mental health. I’m learning how important it is to put myself first and worry about other things later. I got so busy with school, work, and everything that was going on around me, I forgot about CHANEL. Having this time off would be a great opportunity to get my mental health back on track. Meaning loving myself more and getting in touch with my emotions. I have to start doing what’s best for me.
What does focusing on your mental health looks like to you?
Its been a year and seven months since I decided to stop drinking alcohol . The reason why I choose to be sober, I wasn’t happy with the person I was while being drunk. I was using alcohol as a coping strategy to deal with my depression and anxiety. It’s been a long journey and I am proud of myself for making it this far, but I am battling some challenges of trying to stay sober. Going out with my friends I feel out of place because I’m the only one not drinking. For some reason it causes me to have anxiety. In order for me to have fun and be myself I have to be drunk. When I’m in deep depression and in stressful situations I crave alcohol. I need it to feel numb, to forget about my problems. I am more open about being sober, but I also receive negative and positive responses from people. Some are supportive and some don’t have faith that I can keep going because I was a heavy drinker. What’s been helping me is talking to my counselor. She has taught me without the alcohol I am coping better with my emotions, learning its okay not to drink to have fun and feel more comfortable with myself . I’m a fighter and believe that I can make it through this.
Who is this woman full of anger & frustration? Feeling lost, hopeless & misunderstood. No faith that everything will be okay. Sitting in the dark crying her eyes out with voices screaming in her head of how bad of a person she is. She is better off not being here. She tries to block out the voices but it won’t go away. Why is she feeling like this? Where are these emotions coming from? Is it because she doesn’t have her mom here? She had a tough childhood? She doesn’t feel loved? She feels alone.
All these questions racing in her head but can’t find the answers. She wants to be happy. She want to be free.
I’m trying to find the right words to say this without feeling so angry. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I have every right to feel this way. The feeling of not having my mom in my life has been difficult for me to cope & process. Her passing was very traumatic for me at a young age. I was 12 years old at the time when it happened. On a Saturday night walking into the waiting room at the hospital, my uncle telling me what happened to my mother. My heart stopped for a minute…felt like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t understand what he was saying & I had to ask him to repeat himself. The words “Your mom passed away” was hard for me to believe what he was telling me. When my mom died I felt so alone, confused & lost. A piece of my heart was broken into a million pieces. I was trying to figure out how can I be strong & be there for my two other siblings & my dad? How can I get through life without having my mom? So many unanswered questions going through my head. 18 years later I’m still trying to be strong to get through this.
I been dealing with Social Anxiety all my life but I didn’t noticed it until I became and adult. Social Anxiety makes me feel uncomfortable,awkward,alone and shy to the point I want to leave the event early. I don’t talk as much especially to people I don’t know. When I meet new people I feel that its hard for me to be myself…I have to be someone else for people to like me. I feel out of place…I don’t belong. I can’t go out in large groups without having a panic attack. I get this overwhelming feeling of being trapped in a small box with a lot of noise and people. I can’t breathe…I can’t move my body. Then theirs this voice telling to drink to feel better “Be Myself” again. I been sober for a year and six months. I can’t go back to how I was before. Drinking only makes the numbness temporary…it won’t fix the problem.
The Road to Recovery 