The Pressure of being Perfect

Throughout my life I felt like I had to be perfect at everything. When it comes to school I can’t make any bad grades & if I did I would beat myself up… thinking I am a complete failure. I guess you can call me a perfectionist. This is my last year in college. I will be getting my associates degree in psychology in December of this year. Exciting right?! but I haven’t been feeling so happy. I been so stressed out, overwhelmed & my anxiety has been so bad since this semester started. I was talking to someone on social media & we were discussing about how our last year has been good so far. You are probably wondering why…I’m suppose to be happy. Yea I am but lately I been feeling a lot of pressure. I tell myself “Okay Chanel this is you last year. Everything has to be perfect & on point. My grades & GPA have to be perfect & I have to stay on the honor society. IT MUST BE PERFECT!” But does it really matter? Do I have to be perfect at everything? No I don’t. Yes grades do matter & I’m pretty sure other universities will look at that but that won’t keep me from going further into my education. I had to think & realize that my grades doesn’t define my intelligence. If I pass a class with a C or if I get dropped from the honor society because of my GPA. ITS OKAY! That doesn’t make me a bad student. All I want is to graduate & get my degree. I now realize that I have to stop putting so much pressure on myself & its okay not to be perfect.

February 19, 2020 0

What is Life?!

For the pass couple of week I been struggling with my mental health. With feeling stress & overwhelmed with school & personal stuff that is going on in my life, its been hard one me mentally & physically. It has gotten to the point that my mind is in a dark place, I have these urges to self-harm & drink heavily again. My emotions are all over the place & its affecting my ability to function properly. Honestly, its scaring me & I really don’t want to be in this dark place. I feel like my depression & anxiety is this loud dark voice that won’t leave me alone. It seems like once I’m in my happy place & everything is okay…that’s when depression creeps up & talks to me so loud saying how I don’t deserve to be happy, I’m not strong or why don’t I end everything. Its so frustrating because most times I feel like I can’t be happy & sometimes I do believe that voice. I always ask myself “What is Life?” What I mean is…Do I have strength to continue to keep going? The answer is yes I do! I have to keep fighting & tell myself that everything is going to be okay. I’m more than my mental illness & it doesn’t define who I am. I will overcome this battle.

February 12, 2020 2

The Fear of Change

In my previous post I talked about stepping out of my comfort zone and how scary and uncomfortable it can be. I want to share how fear of change can be a bit overwhelming and scary. About three months ago I started a new job working as a cashier/customer service representative in a hardware store. It was a huge change for me because I came from being a waitress at a fast food place. Something that I was good at and use to doing since I was 17. Now that I’m 31, ready for growth and start making changes…it freaks me out. I believe it has a lot to do with my anxiety. I was going to quit on my third week of being there because I felt like this job wasn’t the right one for me. It is out of my element…I did’t like the feeling of being in a different environment, around different people and I don’t do well with change. Their were times when I had panic attacks, went to the restroom to hide & I would cry. I kept telling myself “I made a mistake leaving my previous job.” “I can’t do this.” “I’m not good enough.” Then I had to think…If I leave this job I let my fear (my anxiety) win and I can’t let that happen. I decided to stay & not give up. I think that was the best choice I made. Yes change can be scary but it can also be a good thing.

January 7, 2020 0

Reflection of 2019

Happy New Year to everyone!! I hope this year brings you joy,happiness and healing.

2019 was a emotional roller coaster. Dealing with my grandmother’s cancer, family issues, and stress from school it caused my mental and physically health to decline. I would always ask myself how in the world did I make it this far? With the getting professional help, I manged to learn the correct way of coping with my mental illness. 2019 taught me some valuable lessons and I learned a lot about myself. Who I was a person and what amazing things I could do.

2020 is my year to shine and continue to work on my mental health. I’m excited to see what this year has in store for me.

January 1, 2020 0

The Life as a College Student

Going to college is a exciting experience for me. At the age of 31 I finally get to start working towards my career. Sometimes college can be a bit much, especially having a anxiety disorder. This fall semester was stressful. Taking a total of five classes was too much to handle. I hold myself to a higher standard. I’m the type of student that I have to make A’s and B’s & must have the perfect GPA. I had put so much pressure on myself that I would label myself dumb if I made a C or below on a assignment or test. I would come home after working a nine hour shift and would do homework all night. I felt like their was no room for self care because I was too busy doing school work and that had to come first. I was extremely stressed out trying to get everything done and perfect. The stress caused my mental and physical health to decline. I really had to think about what was more important, my school work or my health. Of course both of them are really important but my health comes first. The first thing I did was try to finish out the rest of the semester without stressing out. I told myself I will do my best to finish all my assignments and exams. If I didn’t pass my classes, that was okay and I can’t give up. The next thing I did was lighten up the load of my classes for next spring,summer & fall semester. This means I won’t be graduating on time and that’s okay. I have to stop being so hard on myself and know my mental and physical health is more important than anything. As long I get my associates degree that’s all that matters.

!Update!: I did end up passing all my classes for the semester with four A’s,two B’s and a B GPA. That is something to be proud of and I’m happy that I made the choice of not to give up.

December 27, 2019 0

Feeling Judged about my Mental Illness

!Possible Trigger Warning!

I was recently diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. For the pass couple of weeks, I have been speaking about my mental illness. It has been therapeutic for me to share but why do I get this feeling of being judged by people? Strange…I know. I want to tell people about my self-harm and previous heavy drinking. My anxiety and depression won’t let me speak about my mental illness. It makes me feel like I will push people away and that scares me. Let me ask you this…Have you ever talked to someone about your mental illness and afterwards you feel a sense of anxiety because you don’t know how they will respond or act? Thinking about that doesn’t give me any comfort that its okay to talk about it because I’m afraid of feeling judged or people walking out of my life. Of course that is my depression talking and I have to learn to block it out. Talking about my mental illness is my way of healing and hoping to inspire people. I can’t let my anxiety or worry about about what people thing about me and my mental illness.

December 18, 2019 0

Childhood Trauma

No child should have to go through this alone

!Trigger Warning!

My childhood was never the same after my mother died. My memories became a blur. I prefer not to remember them because I went through a lot of pain and suffering at the age of 12. When I went through that traumatic experience of loosing my mother as a child…it messed with me up mentally, physically, and emotionally. At the age of 13 I discovered self-harm. I was trying to find ways to take my own life. I felt like the loss of my mother was tearing me into pieces. The only way I knew how to cope was hurting myself. Now that I am an adult, my childhood trauma is affecting me mentally. I haven’t healed from my pain or found closure from my mom’s passing. I’m still working through this and it will take some time.

You are not a victim. Just a fighter with scars that a few can understand”
Unknown

December 14, 2019 0

My Love for You

Being with someone who cares about your mental health is important.

You give me butterflies when I see you. I can be having a bad day & seeing you smile makes me forget about what was bothering me. The way you comfort me with your words & your love gives me hope that everything will be okay. I haven’t felt like this in months. Sometimes I wish you could hold me & kiss me when I’m having a bad day. I wish I could call you when I’m drowning in my own tears. I always wonder what life would be like if we were together. Knowing that we can’t makes my soul sad. I wish I could tell you how I feel about you, one day you will know…in your dreams.

December 13, 2019 0

My Comfort Zone

The way I look at my comfort zone is safe and comforting. Meaning I am comfortable staying in my safe zone. My anxiety reminds me how scary it would be to do something out of my element, how comfortable it is playing it safe and what the world would think of me. Just the thought of stepping out of my comfort zone scares me because the fear of failing. I am proud to say that I have done some amazing things last year and this year but why do I still feel scared to move forward to do other things? Could it be a possibility of self-doubt/lack of confidence in myself? Am I just limiting myself to do certain things in order to stay in my comfort box? So many questions to think about. I have to keep reminding myself…

If I stay in my comfort zone, I’m missing out on some great opportunities for myself. Stepping out of my comfort zone means growth and I can’t allow fear to get in the way of accomplishing my goals.

December 11, 2019 0

The Voice

!Trigger Warning!

This is what I have been experiencing for the pass couple of weeks.

The Voice, you may be wondering what kind of voice I’ am talking about. Its always this loud, dark voice that talks to me when I’m in deep depression or have a major anxiety attack. It tells me I’m not good enough, no one loves/cares about me or I don’t deserve to be here. It makes me do stuff that I know its not good for me. When I try to block it…the voice gets stronger and louder. I want this voice to go away. I have to tell it that I’m stronger and I will and I can fight through this.

December 1, 2019 0