My Celebration

“Don’t need to drink heavily to feel numb”‘

I know I’ am a month late, but I want to share some exciting news. On October 1st was my one year that I decided to stop the heavy drinking. My goal was not to be sober but to stop using alcohol as a coping strategy to deal with my pain. Alcohol at that time was my best friend. My bottle of vodka was with me when I felt like I had nobody. It kept me company at all times and supported me. It was the only friend I had but I had to let it go because it was becoming too toxic for me. To stop drinking was the best decision I made and I’m glad I did it. Of course I struggle a lot especially when I’m having a bad day. What helps me is, I remind myself how I was being crazy drunk to numb myself and forget about my problems. I don’t want to go back to being that person.

November 1, 2019 0

Will be Back Soon

Hello everyone!

I know I haven’t been writing, its been a crazy few months. With school going on and personal stuff that’s been happening in my life…I haven’t had time for my blog. I’ll be back soon! I have a lot to share about my mental health and hope my blogs will inspire you guys.

Take care and be blessed!

October 16, 2019 0

Keep Going Beautiful

A note to myself:

I know life is rough right now but you have to keep going. Waking up every morning,it seems like you are fighting a battle to stay alive. But you have the strength to overcome any obstacles or challenges in your life. You can’t give up when things get hard…you can pull through. Yo are AMAZING & you got this!!

September 24, 2019 0

Birthday Blues

Today is my 31st birthday. Yes 31st, I’m getting old lol In person I look about 18 or 25. I can’t help that I have a baby face lol. Anyway by reading the title I know you are wondering why I’m so sad today. To be honest this has been the worse birthday since my mother died. I’ve always had trouble celebrating my birthday. Maybe because I feel like some people don’t put in effort to be here for me or when I plan something it doesn’t go how I pictured it. I was going to leave the house to do something by myself but my anxiety was at a ten. Instead I stayed home and locked myself in the house. I wasn’t in the mood to celebrate anymore. My depression and anxiety has been awful to me all day. It makes me feel like no one cares about me and I’m better off isolating myself. My friends and family been texting,calling and video chatting all day. Am I wrong for ignoring them or replying back in a dry text response? What is it about my birthday that has me in deep depression? Its suppose to be exciting and a joyful day…right?

September 15, 2019 2

Drinking and Self-harm

Today, I refuse to go back to my old ways. I am becoming a better person. Using my past as a lesson that keeps me doing the next right thing.
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The only way I knew how to cope with my pain.

Drinking & self-harm was one of my coping strategies to help me with my pain. Next month will be a year since I stop with the heavy drinking. I do have my days when I have a glass of wine or two but its nothing wrong with that…right? Lately I have noticed when I’m under stressful, overwhelming situations I crave alcohol. Fighting those urges has been a battle but I’m glad I haven’t gave in & started back drinking heavily. Self-harm for me was more of feeling pain to numb me…help calm me down. Even when I drank so much. Does it work? Temporary it did but the emotions are still there. I always ask myself…Am I a recovering alcoholic? Can I continue to push through this?

September 2, 2019 0

I Wonder

Have you ever sat in silence thinking about life? Thinking about what your life would be like if a certain person you cared about deeply was still alive…well, I do everyday.

I always wonder what my life would be like if my mom was still here. I believe my life would be much easier & happier…I wouldn’t be so depressed & overwhelmed. Most times I wish I could go back in time & try to change everything with her being sick. Am I being selfish for wanting my mother here with me?

August 31, 2019 0

Emotionally Drained

For the pass couple of days I’ve been emotionally exhausted. I haven’t been myself…I just want to stay in bed & sleep. Getting up every morning to go to school or work has been difficult. I have to find my strength & motivation to get out of bed. Lately my anxiety has been at a ten! Yesterday I had two mental breakdowns with a mixture of anxiety attacks. It took a lot out of me to pull myself together. That is something to be proud of because sometimes I’m not able to do that. I really do think with school starting back & working in a toxic environment, has been so overwhelming on me. It hasn’t been good for my mental health. I been off from work since Sunday & decided to take an extra day off to take care of me.

Update: I found another job & hopefully I get an interview sometime this week or next week. I’ll keep you posted.

August 27, 2019 0

Working & Dealing with Anxiety

Where do I begin? So much emotions & things were going on last Saturday,I felt like I was going to scream. Dealing with anxiety and working has been a huge challenge for me & each day it has gotten worse. It makes me question if I’m capable of working at all. I have mentioned in my recent blog of how toxic my job is and its not good for my mental health (by the way I am looking for another one) Sometimes I do feel over whelmed with my co-workers not being organized,multiple people asking me questions and pulling me in different directions. Even loud noises triggers me such as managers and customers yelling and loud kids running around. Last Saturday was one of the worse panic attacks I’ve ever dealt with. It gotten so bad that I had to walk out to get some air, nobody noticed that I was gone. My chest was hurting, I couldn’t breath…I wanted to cry. Not sure if I want to go back or maybe I just need a break.

August 27, 2019 4

Save Me

Most days I don’t want to live in this toxic mind. The pain,the heartache is breaking me into pieces. I try to scream for help but no sound would come out. What should I do? Sometimes I don’t know anymore. I’m drowning in my own emotions,my depression & my anxiety. I need to swim back to the surface so I can breathe.

Can you save me?

August 22, 2019 4