In the last three months, it has been an emotional roller coaster. From getting the news about my grandmother stage 3 Ovarian Cancer, having unwanted thoughts & my mental health is declining so bad…I’m not sure how to feel anymore. My emotions has been somewhat odd. The best way to describe how I been feeling, its more like a tornado mix with a thunderstorm & floods. (If that makes sense) Instead of crying and letting everything out, I hold it in…feeling numb. All my emotions are in this huge bubble & everything is going to bust in RAGE. The most important thing I have learned while going through this, instead of holding on to the pain…its better to handle my emotions in a positive way.
The person I was ten months ago is trapped in a box.
My old self wants to be free but I won’t let her out. The old me was a woman who drunk herself to death in order to feel numb. She didn’t want to be aware of her surroundings or feelings. Drinking heavily made her not want to face her own demons. The old self was more “happier” when she was free but, deep down inside she was slowly dying because of the careless stuff she did. She reminds me of how happier I was & it would be best to her her loose but I can’t. If I do…well, it wouldn’t be a good thing. I didn’t like myself when I was her & I don’t want to go back to that dark place.
In stressful & overwhelming situations, I start to have really bad panic attacks. I have noticed my anxiety turns into anger & that is never a good thing. This passed weekend work was exhausting & extremely difficult for me. People were yelling,getting irritated & having bad attitudes for no reason. I felt like I was going to turn into the Incredible Hulk because people vibes were causing me to get angry. I was trying my best to keep it cool & try to have a positive attitude for the last hour I had left at work but the more I did that the more people were pushing that RED button. I wanted to run away & cry…I’m not myself in a stressful, toxic environment. I become rude, aggressive & angry…loose control of everything and myself. My emotions felt like a big balloon that was going to bust if people kept messing with me. I need to have better control of myself & learn how to walk away when my anxiety takes over. Count to 10…breath.
I want to share a story about something that had happened to me a few months ago. At that time I was in a very dark place,somewhere I haven’t been in a long time. I started to have unwanted thoughts & strong feelings that I’m not suppose to be here. I started to become very overwhelmed & confused because I didn’t understand why & where theses triggers were coming from. I had to take a step back & observe what was going on in my life. After I talked to my school counselor, it was brought to my attention that my depression was getting worse. I started to think that I was messed up in the head & something horrible was wrong with me. So not true! It took me a couple of days to realize just because I have depression and anxiety doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. Everyday I have to remind myself that I can & will get through this…I will be okay.
I’m not perfect & I do make mistakes. Of course dealing with depression and anxiety can be overwhelming and mentally draining. Most of the time I feel like I can’t go on but, I still manage to wake up every morning with a smile on my face & try to find my strength to face the world. All I ask is not to be judged & support me while I go through this. I wish people could understand that I’m trying my best.
I mentioned in my other blogs how mentally exhausted I been feeling & how depression has been ugly to me. Today I decided to take a break to recharge myself. What I mean by that is, unplugging from social media or anything that is hindering me from taking care of myself mentally. Recently, I took a summer college course & working. It was overwhelming & not good for my mentally health. So, I took today off to do a healthy self-care routine to help me relax my mind. I feel like its okay to take a break every once in a while to get my mental health back on track. I go back to school in two weeks. I thought it would be best to take some time for myself & enjoy the rest of my summer. I have to learn how to take care of myself in a positive way & how important it is to put myself first.
Every morning when I wake up, my mind starts racing. I think about everything that I have to do…if it has something to do with work,school or stuff at home. It feels like a loud voice is following me around reminding me if I don’t get this done or get that done it will ruin my day. It drives me crazy…I wish I can shut it off. Its getting to the point that I can’t focus on more important tasks without having so many things going on in my head at once. I just need to figure out how can I control it without feeling so mentally exhausted & not struggle in the mornings.
You holding me while we sit by the ocean makes me feel free & safe. I like to forget about whats bothering me & listen to the waves of the ocean to calm my soul. Escaping from reality for a minute is something I needed. You kiss me on the forehead & whisper in my ear “Everything is going to be okay.” Just hearing that,I knew we were going to be together forever & I’m strong enough to pull through this with you by my side.
Most people like to call it self-care Sunday. I would say everyday should be self-care day. Take at least 10 or 30 minutes out of your day to do a self-care routine. I want people to understand how important it is to take care of yourself when your mental health is declining. I’m still learning how to take a moment to myself when I start to feel mentally exhausted. So, I want to share my go to self-care routines that I use to put myself in a good mood.
Meditation is a good way to relax your mind & to zone out for a minute..releasing any stress and tension that I’m feeling. I always use the Calm app. It comes with great music to use while meditating or help me fall asleep.
Walking, yoga & exercising always gives me energy. Its also good for my mental and physically health.
Going to therapy…I love it! Its a way for me to talk about whats been bothering me,releasing any stress that I’ve been experiencing through out the week. It does help me with my mental and emotional health.
Talking to a friend or hanging out with people is great for social self-care. Being able to get out the house and relax for a little bit. Due to my social anxiety I prefer one on one, two or three of my good friends.
Taking a break from social media… for me its good for my mental health…unplugging from social media for a while is refreshing because I can focus on other important things.
Writing is my way to express myself and good for my mental and emotional health.
Taking time for myself is so important. Having a movie or spa day,shopping,taking a bubble bath,drinking wine while eating chocolate and carbs lol
Listening to my favorite podcast or my favorite playlist throughout the day. Its good for my mental health.
Please don’t forget to always take care of yourself emotionally,mentally and physically.
The Road to Recovery 