Struggling with Depression

Depression. Where do I start? It has been a pain for a long time & I can’t take it anymore. My mood changes a lot when it comes to depression and anxiety. One minute I’m happy & smiling…the next I’m irritated,sad or crying. Someone brought to my attention that I may be bipolar. Am I? It really makes me wonder because my mood changes a lot. Depression feels like a dark cloud that follows me everywhere…when it rains it pours & it doesn’t go away for a while. I’m not myself & I can’t seem to stay happy. Once I’m in my happy place depression creeps up on me,taps me on the shoulder & whispers…”Sorry,you are not allowed to be happy.” In order for me to get through this,I have to take a step back from reality & take care of myself mentally and physically.

August 4, 2019 0

Counseling Sessions

For six months I been seeing a counselor at the college I attend & its been very therapeutic for me. At first I didn’t want to seek help but a good friend told me it would be best because I was having a tough time. On my first day of seeing the school counselor, I was nervous. We didn’t know each other & I felt like I was pouring out my feelings to a complete stranger. After a few months, I started to feel more comfortable & I gained trust in her. From my experience before walking into her office, It is somewhat of a nervous wreck for me because I don’t know what to expect. Sometimes I feel like I’m not being completely honest with her during our sessions because I hold back a lot of emotions. I have to constantly tell myself to breathe,slow down, its okay & let everything out. Going to her has been a lot of help…I’m learning a lot more about myself. This healing journey hasn’t been easy but I know I’m strong enough to get through it.

August 1, 2019 0

Lost in my Thoughts

For the pass couple of days my mind hasn’t been in the right place. I honestly feel like depression is awful…with a loud voice that continues to tell me how bad of a person I am & that I’m not good enough to be alive. I wish it would shut up and go away. My way of thinking has turned into dark thoughts…feel like I’m drowning & having a hard time coming back to the surface to breathe. Exactly not sure what is triggering my thoughts…wish I knew.

July 31, 2019 3

What is Happiness?

Most of the time I ask myself how can I be happy while being depressed? I get told all the time I have to stay strong, think positive thoughts & everything will be okay. But does it work that way? They make is seem like if I change my mindset my depression will go away forever. (if that make sense) For some people who never been in my shoes it’s easier for them to say that. I been dealing depression for a long time & I found it hard to find my peace and happiness. I want to know what does it feel like to be happy…AGAIN.

July 30, 2019 0

Two Words

“I’m Fine.” The two words I use to convince myself that I’m doing okay, but in reality I’m drowning in my own thoughts. When I’m around people and my mind is in a dark place, it’s hard to act like everything is okay. They would ask me “Whats wrong?” and my response would always be…(with a smile on face) “I’m Fine” Those two words was to cover up my emotions I was feeling that day…so people wouldn’t suspect that something was wrong with me.

Can anybody relate to this?

July 29, 2019 0

4 A.M Thoughts

Its 4 in the morning . Why am I up? I have to get up soon.

My anxiety is at a 10. Why? I wish I knew.

My mind is racing of unwanted thoughts & everything I have to get done today.

Scrolling through social media, I saw that my friends were out last night having fun…while I was at home because I declined the invite.

Thinking in my head, why can’t I be happy like them?

Why do I let my anxiety & depression get the best of me?

Why can’t I be myself & enjoy life?

So many questions & I don’t have the answers for them

I want to scream & tell my brain to please be quiet so I can go back to sleep.

July 25, 2019 0

My Escape from the World

My escape is my pen and paper. Letting my thoughts flow from my brain to my hand. Writing is therapeutic, my sense of healing and stress relief. It helps me to relax my mind and be free for a minute. I like to be zone out from whats going on in my life and the voices in my head. The only way I can escape from my depression and anxiety is writing my emotions on paper.

July 24, 2019 0

The Lost of my Best Friend

On July 21, 2001 my mother passed away from stomach cancer. I was only 12 years old and I felt like my world was turned upside down. It was a traumatic experience for me. At that age the only thing I could think about was what in the heck happen to my mother. My emotions were all over the place, I was a confused young child. Now that I am an adult I’m still grieving over her passing because as a kid I didn’t know how to express myself. People thought I was seeking for attention. No I wasn’t…I was crying out for help and I wanted my mother back with me. I felt like I didn’t get a chance to have that motherly bond before she died. Today makes eighteen years since her passing. All theses years I haven’t been okay. No daughter gets over the lost of their mother. I didn’t want to stay in bed all day being depressed and angry. So, this year I decided to do something positive. Since I’m not able to visit her grave. I thought it would be better to get some flowers in remembrance of my mother. To be honest it has been very difficult not having her in my life but I know she has been with me all along. I promise to keep her memory alive and keep going for her.

Love you Mom

Lisa Rose March 31, 1967-July 21, 2001

July 22, 2019 2

Welcome to my Journey

Hello! Welcome to my blog The Road to Recovery. I am super excited to finally share my story of my life. I hope this would inspire people to feel comfortable to speak more about mental health. Always remember its okay not to be okay. We are going to get through this together.

July 21, 2019 0

You are stronger than your mental illness

July 19, 2019 0