In my previous post I talked about stepping out of my comfort zone and how scary and uncomfortable it can be. I want to share how fear of change can be a bit overwhelming and scary. About three months ago I started a new job working as a cashier/customer service representative in a hardware store. It was a huge change for me because I came from being a waitress at a fast food place. Something that I was good at and use to doing since I was 17. Now that I’m 31, ready for growth and start making changes…it freaks me out. I believe it has a lot to do with my anxiety. I was going to quit on my third week of being there because I felt like this job wasn’t the right one for me. It is out of my element…I did’t like the feeling of being in a different environment, around different people and I don’t do well with change. Their were times when I had panic attacks, went to the restroom to hide & I would cry. I kept telling myself “I made a mistake leaving my previous job.” “I can’t do this.” “I’m not good enough.” Then I had to think…If I leave this job I let my fear (my anxiety) win and I can’t let that happen. I decided to stay & not give up. I think that was the best choice I made. Yes change can be scary but it can also be a good thing.
The Life as a College Student
Going to college is a exciting experience for me. At the age of 31 I finally get to start working towards my career. Sometimes college can be a bit much, especially having a anxiety disorder. This fall semester was stressful. Taking a total of five classes was too much to handle. I hold myself to a higher standard. I’m the type of student that I have to make A’s and B’s & must have the perfect GPA. I had put so much pressure on myself that I would label myself dumb if I made a C or below on a assignment or test. I would come home after working a nine hour shift and would do homework all night. I felt like their was no room for self care because I was too busy doing school work and that had to come first. I was extremely stressed out trying to get everything done and perfect. The stress caused my mental and physical health to decline. I really had to think about what was more important, my school work or my health. Of course both of them are really important but my health comes first. The first thing I did was try to finish out the rest of the semester without stressing out. I told myself I will do my best to finish all my assignments and exams. If I didn’t pass my classes, that was okay and I can’t give up. The next thing I did was lighten up the load of my classes for next spring,summer & fall semester. This means I won’t be graduating on time and that’s okay. I have to stop being so hard on myself and know my mental and physical health is more important than anything. As long I get my associates degree that’s all that matters.
!Update!: I did end up passing all my classes for the semester with four A’s,two B’s and a B GPA. That is something to be proud of and I’m happy that I made the choice of not to give up.
Feeling Judged about my Mental Illness
!Possible Trigger Warning!
I was recently diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. For the pass couple of weeks, I have been speaking about my mental illness. It has been therapeutic for me to share but why do I get this feeling of being judged by people? Strange…I know. I want to tell people about my self-harm and previous heavy drinking. My anxiety and depression won’t let me speak about my mental illness. It makes me feel like I will push people away and that scares me. Let me ask you this…Have you ever talked to someone about your mental illness and afterwards you feel a sense of anxiety because you don’t know how they will respond or act? Thinking about that doesn’t give me any comfort that its okay to talk about it because I’m afraid of feeling judged or people walking out of my life. Of course that is my depression talking and I have to learn to block it out. Talking about my mental illness is my way of healing and hoping to inspire people. I can’t let my anxiety or worry about about what people thing about me and my mental illness.
The Voice
!Trigger Warning!
This is what I have been experiencing for the pass couple of weeks.
The Voice, you may be wondering what kind of voice I’ am talking about. Its always this loud, dark voice that talks to me when I’m in deep depression or have a major anxiety attack. It tells me I’m not good enough, no one loves/cares about me or I don’t deserve to be here. It makes me do stuff that I know its not good for me. When I try to block it…the voice gets stronger and louder. I want this voice to go away. I have to tell it that I’m stronger and I will and I can fight through this.
Birthday Blues
Today is my 31st birthday. Yes 31st, I’m getting old lol In person I look about 18 or 25. I can’t help that I have a baby face lol. Anyway by reading the title I know you are wondering why I’m so sad today. To be honest this has been the worse birthday since my mother died. I’ve always had trouble celebrating my birthday. Maybe because I feel like some people don’t put in effort to be here for me or when I plan something it doesn’t go how I pictured it. I was going to leave the house to do something by myself but my anxiety was at a ten. Instead I stayed home and locked myself in the house. I wasn’t in the mood to celebrate anymore. My depression and anxiety has been awful to me all day. It makes me feel like no one cares about me and I’m better off isolating myself. My friends and family been texting,calling and video chatting all day. Am I wrong for ignoring them or replying back in a dry text response? What is it about my birthday that has me in deep depression? Its suppose to be exciting and a joyful day…right?
Emotionally Drained
For the pass couple of days I’ve been emotionally exhausted. I haven’t been myself…I just want to stay in bed & sleep. Getting up every morning to go to school or work has been difficult. I have to find my strength & motivation to get out of bed. Lately my anxiety has been at a ten! Yesterday I had two mental breakdowns with a mixture of anxiety attacks. It took a lot out of me to pull myself together. That is something to be proud of because sometimes I’m not able to do that. I really do think with school starting back & working in a toxic environment, has been so overwhelming on me. It hasn’t been good for my mental health. I been off from work since Sunday & decided to take an extra day off to take care of me.
Update: I found another job & hopefully I get an interview sometime this week or next week. I’ll keep you posted.
Working & Dealing with Anxiety
Where do I begin? So much emotions & things were going on last Saturday,I felt like I was going to scream. Dealing with anxiety and working has been a huge challenge for me & each day it has gotten worse. It makes me question if I’m capable of working at all. I have mentioned in my recent blog of how toxic my job is and its not good for my mental health (by the way I am looking for another one) Sometimes I do feel over whelmed with my co-workers not being organized,multiple people asking me questions and pulling me in different directions. Even loud noises triggers me such as managers and customers yelling and loud kids running around. Last Saturday was one of the worse panic attacks I’ve ever dealt with. It gotten so bad that I had to walk out to get some air, nobody noticed that I was gone. My chest was hurting, I couldn’t breath…I wanted to cry. Not sure if I want to go back or maybe I just need a break.
Not Myself
In stressful & overwhelming situations, I start to have really bad panic attacks. I have noticed my anxiety turns into anger & that is never a good thing. This passed weekend work was exhausting & extremely difficult for me. People were yelling,getting irritated & having bad attitudes for no reason. I felt like I was going to turn into the Incredible Hulk because people vibes were causing me to get angry. I was trying my best to keep it cool & try to have a positive attitude for the last hour I had left at work but the more I did that the more people were pushing that RED button. I wanted to run away & cry…I’m not myself in a stressful, toxic environment. I become rude, aggressive & angry…loose control of everything and myself. My emotions felt like a big balloon that was going to bust if people kept messing with me. I need to have better control of myself & learn how to walk away when my anxiety takes over. Count to 10…breath.
Morning Anxiety
Every morning when I wake up, my mind starts racing. I think about everything that I have to do…if it has something to do with work,school or stuff at home. It feels like a loud voice is following me around reminding me if I don’t get this done or get that done it will ruin my day. It drives me crazy…I wish I can shut it off. Its getting to the point that I can’t focus on more important tasks without having so many things going on in my head at once. I just need to figure out how can I control it without feeling so mentally exhausted & not struggle in the mornings.
4 A.M Thoughts
Its 4 in the morning . Why am I up? I have to get up soon.
My anxiety is at a 10. Why? I wish I knew.
My mind is racing of unwanted thoughts & everything I have to get done today.
Scrolling through social media, I saw that my friends were out last night having fun…while I was at home because I declined the invite.
Thinking in my head, why can’t I be happy like them?
Why do I let my anxiety & depression get the best of me?
Why can’t I be myself & enjoy life?
So many questions & I don’t have the answers for them
I want to scream & tell my brain to please be quiet so I can go back to sleep.
The Road to Recovery 