Reflection of 2020

I’m not sure where to start. Speaking from my personal experience, this year has been difficult. The most challenging thing I had to endure was the Covid-19 virus. When it first came around, I was scared for myself, family, friends, and my coworkers. Across the world people lost their loved ones due to this virus. It broke my heart watching the news of how many cases we had, people who passed away and what nurses and doctors had to go through to take care of their patients. People were buying everything in the stores, left little to nothing on the shelves. It got to the point that most stores were not selling the stuff that we needed, such as Lysol spray/wipes, paper towels, tissue paper, hand soap and hand sanitizer. I was lucky if I found some on Amazon or in stores. I had to adjust to the changes of switching to virtual classes at my college, going on lockdown (not able to travel, having a curfew). Being away from home, couldn’t to hug my family was hard for me. It made me more depressed to not able to see them. Thinking about all the challenges and obstacles, I’m glad I made it through this year. I’m ready for what 2021 has in store for me.

December 31, 2020 0

Sober and Strong

Two years sober and strong. It feels amazing!

On October 1, 2018 is when I decided to be sober. I want to share my journey of being sober and why I made this decision.

I used alcohol as a coping strategy for my depression and anxiety disorder and my social anxiety. Drinking became my best friend when I felt like I didn’t have anybody else. My to-go drink was Vodka with cranberry juice and lime. Sounds good right? It was and I felt like I was on top of the world with alcohol in my system. What I mean by that is drinking helped me to block out my depression thoughts. It numbed me so I wouldn’t feel unhappy and lonely. I didn’t want to feel what was bothering me when I’m out with my friends or with a group of unknown people. Drinking was my way to cope with my anxiety. I did that every time I would go out and I was known as the alcoholic of the group. It didn’t bother me. That may sound weird, but I loved it because I was getting noticed and people wanted to hang out with me. Things started to change on my 30th birthday. I rather not go into detail, but I woke up the next morning feeling horrible and I couldn’t remember anything from the night before. I looked at myself in the mirror trying to figure out what happened. I texted my friend apologizing to her for all the bad things I said and did. She laughed and said “That’s okay.” That is when I realized it was time for me to stop drinking. I threw away all the alcohol in my house and got some counseling to help me cope better with my depression and anxiety without drinking. I been TWO YEARS SOBER. It has been a long difficult journey. I do still have my cravings of alcohol when I’m not feeling mentally okay, but I’m so grateful to have the love and support from my friends and family to get through this. I will continue to be sober and stronger.

December 30, 2020 2

Late Night Thoughts part 5.

My depression has been draining me mentally. Its been hard for me to function at school and at work. I find it difficult to do easy task. Like taking a shower, cooking , doing homework and cleaning. When I’m in deep depression, I want to be alone instead of being around people. I have been so emotional and try my best to fake it so people wouldn’t ask questions. I feel like a toxic mess and unwanted, but that is not true. I’m stronger than my depression. Its okay to not be okay. Its important to take care of myself and be kind to my mind.

December 29, 2020 0

Late Night Thoughts pt.4

Sometimes I feel like I’m not enough. Sometimes I feel like I’m too much. I’ve always had this feeling thay I’m too toxic for people. My anxiety and depression makes me feel and think people don’t want to be around me because I’m too emotional or I’m a burden to them. What do I do? I end up pushing them away because I start to believe what that voice is saying is true.

December 13, 2020 2

Mental Health Check-In

Hello everyone, welcome back to my blog. I hope everyone is doing well. I haven’t posted anything on here in months. I been busy since the semester started back in August and also working. I wanted to share with you guys about how I been with my mental health. To be honest its been its been an emotional roller coaster. My depression and anxiety has gotten worse. Trying to balance school, work and my personal life, its been difficult for me. These couple of weeks was challenging. I’ve had multiple mental breakdowns that has caused me to shutdown and want to be alone. I’m trying my best to get through this battle, but its so hard. I just need to push the pause button to figure out what I need to do to get myself together mentally.

December 10, 2020 0

My Depression Thoughts

I don’t think people understand behind my smile and laughter is a lost soul searching for happiness…searching for a way out. My depression makes me feel numb, emotionless, confused & invisible. I’m not sure how else to explain it. I wish this feeling would go away.

September 25, 2020 0

My Loud Thoughts

I don’t like to be alone with my thoughts.

My thoughts in my head are so loud. I can’t think, focus, or function because they won’t quiet down. These pass few weeks has been weird. I have become more distant, angry, irritated, and not caring about anything. My energy is low, my vibe is off and people are staring to notice. The question I get asked is “Are you okay?” I reply back with a smile on my face “Yes! I’m good.” Of course I’m not telling the truth. I’m telling people I’m good, everything is going great but my thoughts are so loud…screaming at me “You are not okay! You are a hot mess!” Haha Is that true!? Am I a hot mess? The more I start to listen to those thoughts, the more I start to believe it. UGH! I just want to escape…escape from my loud thoughts.

August 18, 2020 0

Late Night Thoughts pt.3

Have you ever wanted to escape from reality?

Escape from whats been bothering you…the pain?

These couple of weeks has been overwhelming and emotional draining. From dealing with with people not understanding me and trying to cope with my mom’s anniversary of her passing. I have so much anger and frustration building up. I’m at the point of not knowing what to do. My energy is so off that my friends and family are starting to notice. I try my best to hide it but, sometimes it doesn’t work that way. I haven’t been feeling like myself and I think its best for me to escape for a while. (not isolate myself)I think its important to focus more on my mental health and try to figure out what is causing my thought process to be so negative.

July 28, 2020 0