Laying on my bed, in my dark bedroom. Listening to the rain as it hit my window. The sound of the thunder and the sight of the lighting calms me down. I am tired of depression and anxiety taking up space in my brain. I try to ignore it, but the feeling is getting stronger. Tears rolling down my face because I can’t take it anymore. Feeling worthless and feeling suffocated of the darkness of depression…I feel afraid of giving into my horrible negative thoughts. I shut my eyes and I see a beautiful face with a gorgeous smile looking at me. She’s an angel, glowing like the bright yellow sun. She looks at me and say ” It will be okay” She hugged me and kiss me on the forehead. Before she left she told me “Continue to make me proud. Don’t give up. I love you my daughter.” I told her okay mom. I got this. I love you too. I opened my eyes and felt a feeling of peace.
The Diary of Depression and Anxiety
Where do I begin?
Battling depression and anxiety is overwhelming. Depression feels like a dark, rainy cloud hovering over me. A person following me telling me how worthless I am and nobody wants me here.
I was told that anxiety is suppose to keep me safe from harm and danger. But sometimes I feel like it keep me isolated from the things I want to do in my life.
The voices are so loud and scary. What can I do? Then a powerful voice of God tells me to pray. I say “Oh God!! Take this pain and dark thoughts away from me!” I keep talking to God and crying out to him. All of the sudden I feel his peace, love and protection. He let me know that he is aways with me to fight through this battle of depression and anxiety. I am strong enough to get through this. Philippians 4:13 says I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
Late Night Thoughts pt.7
Comfort zone is being fearful of the unknown. Not knowing what is behind the door. I know it can be scary, but behind that door with your name on it are other opportunities waiting for you. Someone once told me…If you continue to stay in your comfort zone,you won’t grow into the person that you are meant to be.
A Letter to my Depression and Anxiety
Dear Depression and Anxiety,
(sigh) Where do I start? You two make me overwhelm, emotional and stressful. My brain can’t handle being scared and sad at the same time. Everyday I feel like its a battle trying to find peace so I can get through the day.
Depression, you make me feel like everyone is against me. You remind me of my childhood trauma of the hurt and pain from losing my mom from cancer. Most time you give me the feeling that nobody wants to be in my life and I’m a complete failure.
Anxiety, you make me scared of everything that I want to do. You keep me in a small box to make me feel safe. I feel like I can’t be myself with you around.
Having you both in my head it too much for me. I want to be free.
Late Night Thoughts pt. 6
I am walking along an outdoor path. Ahead, I see the path splits into two. The path on the left enters a dense forest, the one on the right enters a series of hills and valleys. I choose to follow the path to the hills and valleys. Far away I see a door. I am not sure what is on the other side of this door, but I am curious to know. As I am walking up the steep hills, I become hot, tired and my legs starts to burn. I come across fallen trees blocking my path and huge rocks forcing me to climb over. I want to give up, but I must get to that door. I finally make it and what reads on the door, “Exit Comfort Zone” and a list of goals I want to work on. This journey taught me there are more opportunities out there for me if I step out of my comfort zone. I will not grow if keep that door close.
Late Night Thoughts
Its 2 a.m, dark and cloudy.
I can feel the vibration of thunder rattling against my window.
I can see the the reflection of the lighting as it strikes the dark skies.
Laying in my bed in the dark listening to music trying to calm my mind.
I have so many thoughts in my head, it overwhelms me.
I ask myself…Am I a bad person for having a mental illness?
Am I a burden to my friends and family?
Do I deserve to be here?
My depression makes me feel like I’m worthless.
Having these thoughts frustrates me.
But I know deep down in my soul these thoughts are not true.
I have to keep reminding myself…I am stronger than my mental illness and it doesn’t define who I am.
The Feeling of Emotions
Who is this woman full of anger & frustration?
Feeling lost, hopeless & misunderstood.
No faith that everything will be okay.
Sitting in the dark crying her eyes out with voices screaming in her head of how bad of a person she is.
She is better off not being here.
She tries to block out the voices but it won’t go away.
Why is she feeling like this?
Where are these emotions coming from?
Is it because she doesn’t have her mom here?
She had a tough childhood?
She doesn’t feel loved?
She feels alone.
All these questions racing in her head but can’t find the answers.
She wants to be happy.
She want to be free.
Trapped in a Box
The person I was ten months ago is trapped in a box.
My old self wants to be free but I won’t let her out. The old me was a woman who drunk herself to death in order to feel numb. She didn’t want to be aware of her surroundings or feelings. Drinking heavily made her not want to face her own demons. The old self was more “happier” when she was free but, deep down inside she was slowly dying because of the careless stuff she did. She reminds me of how happier I was & it would be best to her her loose but I can’t. If I do…well, it wouldn’t be a good thing. I didn’t like myself when I was her & I don’t want to go back to that dark place.
Please Understand
I’m not perfect & I do make mistakes. Of course dealing with depression and anxiety can be overwhelming and mentally draining. Most of the time I feel like I can’t go on but, I still manage to wake up every morning with a smile on my face & try to find my strength to face the world. All I ask is not to be judged & support me while I go through this. I wish people could understand that I’m trying my best.
The Road to Recovery 