Late Night Thoughts

Its 2 a.m, dark and cloudy.

I can feel the vibration of thunder rattling against my window.

I can see the the reflection of the lighting as it strikes the dark skies.

Laying in my bed in the dark listening to music trying to calm my mind.

I have so many thoughts in my head, it overwhelms me.

I ask myself…Am I a bad person for having a mental illness?

Am I a burden to my friends and family?

Do I deserve to be here?

My depression makes me feel like I’m worthless.

Having these thoughts frustrates me.

But I know deep down in my soul these thoughts are not true.

I have to keep reminding myself…I am stronger than my mental illness and it doesn’t define who I am.

May 30, 2020 2

Focusing on my Mental Health.

Since this is Mental Health Awareness Month, I want to talk about how important it is to take care of your mental health. Recently, I was in a bad place. My depression and anxiety was out of control. I felt like I was losing myself as a person.

It was the last week of the Spring semester, I had finals that week and Mother’s Day weekend was coming up (Mother’s Day has always been a tough holiday for me since my mom passed). I was feeling stressed out and overwhelmed with everything that was going on in my life at that time. I was in deep depression. I would always put myself put things and people before me. I decided it would be best to not attend any classes this summer like I had planned. Its best to take a break until August (fall semester) and focus more on my mental health. I’m learning how important it is to put myself first and worry about other things later. I got so busy with school, work, and everything that was going on around me, I forgot about CHANEL. Having this time off would be a great opportunity to get my mental health back on track. Meaning loving myself more and getting in touch with my emotions. I have to start doing what’s best for me.

What does focusing on your mental health looks like to you?

May 28, 2020 0

The Challenges of being Sober

Its been a year and seven months since I decided to stop drinking alcohol . The reason why I choose to be sober, I wasn’t happy with the person I was while being drunk. I was using alcohol as a coping strategy to deal with my depression and anxiety. It’s been a long journey and I am proud of myself for making it this far, but I am battling some challenges of trying to stay sober. Going out with my friends I feel out of place because I’m the only one not drinking. For some reason it causes me to have anxiety. In order for me to have fun and be myself I have to be drunk. When I’m in deep depression and in stressful situations I crave alcohol. I need it to feel numb, to forget about my problems. I am more open about being sober, but I also receive negative and positive responses from people. Some are supportive and some don’t have faith that I can keep going because I was a heavy drinker. What’s been helping me is talking to my counselor. She has taught me without the alcohol I am coping better with my emotions, learning its okay not to drink to have fun and feel more comfortable with myself . I’m a fighter and believe that I can make it through this.

May 20, 2020 3

The Feeling of Emotions

Who is this woman full of anger & frustration?
Feeling lost, hopeless & misunderstood.
No faith that everything will be okay.
Sitting in the dark crying her eyes out with voices screaming in her head of how bad of a person she is.
She is better off not being here.
She tries to block out the voices but it won’t go away.
Why is she feeling like this?
Where are these emotions coming from?
Is it because she doesn’t have her mom here?
She had a tough childhood?
She doesn’t feel loved?
She feels alone.

All these questions racing in her head but can’t find the answers.
She wants to be happy.
She want to be free.

April 9, 2020 0

Broken Pieces

I’m trying to find the right words to say this without feeling so angry. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I have every right to feel this way. The feeling of not having my mom in my life has been difficult for me to cope & process. Her passing was very traumatic for me at a young age. I was 12 years old at the time when it happened. On a Saturday night walking into the waiting room at the hospital, my uncle telling me what happened to my mother. My heart stopped for a minute…felt like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t understand what he was saying & I had to ask him to repeat himself. The words “Your mom passed away” was hard for me to believe what he was telling me. When my mom died I felt so alone, confused & lost. A piece of my heart was broken into a million pieces. I was trying to figure out how can I be strong & be there for my two other siblings & my dad? How can I get through life without having my mom? So many unanswered questions going through my head. 18 years later I’m still trying to be strong to get through this.

March 20, 2020 0

What is Life?!

For the pass couple of week I been struggling with my mental health. With feeling stress & overwhelmed with school & personal stuff that is going on in my life, its been hard one me mentally & physically. It has gotten to the point that my mind is in a dark place, I have these urges to self-harm & drink heavily again. My emotions are all over the place & its affecting my ability to function properly. Honestly, its scaring me & I really don’t want to be in this dark place. I feel like my depression & anxiety is this loud dark voice that won’t leave me alone. It seems like once I’m in my happy place & everything is okay…that’s when depression creeps up & talks to me so loud saying how I don’t deserve to be happy, I’m not strong or why don’t I end everything. Its so frustrating because most times I feel like I can’t be happy & sometimes I do believe that voice. I always ask myself “What is Life?” What I mean is…Do I have strength to continue to keep going? The answer is yes I do! I have to keep fighting & tell myself that everything is going to be okay. I’m more than my mental illness & it doesn’t define who I am. I will overcome this battle.

February 12, 2020 2

Feeling Judged about my Mental Illness

!Possible Trigger Warning!

I was recently diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. For the pass couple of weeks, I have been speaking about my mental illness. It has been therapeutic for me to share but why do I get this feeling of being judged by people? Strange…I know. I want to tell people about my self-harm and previous heavy drinking. My anxiety and depression won’t let me speak about my mental illness. It makes me feel like I will push people away and that scares me. Let me ask you this…Have you ever talked to someone about your mental illness and afterwards you feel a sense of anxiety because you don’t know how they will respond or act? Thinking about that doesn’t give me any comfort that its okay to talk about it because I’m afraid of feeling judged or people walking out of my life. Of course that is my depression talking and I have to learn to block it out. Talking about my mental illness is my way of healing and hoping to inspire people. I can’t let my anxiety or worry about about what people thing about me and my mental illness.

December 18, 2019 0

Childhood Trauma

No child should have to go through this alone

!Trigger Warning!

My childhood was never the same after my mother died. My memories became a blur. I prefer not to remember them because I went through a lot of pain and suffering at the age of 12. When I went through that traumatic experience of loosing my mother as a child…it messed with me up mentally, physically, and emotionally. At the age of 13 I discovered self-harm. I was trying to find ways to take my own life. I felt like the loss of my mother was tearing me into pieces. The only way I knew how to cope was hurting myself. Now that I am an adult, my childhood trauma is affecting me mentally. I haven’t healed from my pain or found closure from my mom’s passing. I’m still working through this and it will take some time.

You are not a victim. Just a fighter with scars that a few can understand”
Unknown

December 14, 2019 0

The Voice

!Trigger Warning!

This is what I have been experiencing for the pass couple of weeks.

The Voice, you may be wondering what kind of voice I’ am talking about. Its always this loud, dark voice that talks to me when I’m in deep depression or have a major anxiety attack. It tells me I’m not good enough, no one loves/cares about me or I don’t deserve to be here. It makes me do stuff that I know its not good for me. When I try to block it…the voice gets stronger and louder. I want this voice to go away. I have to tell it that I’m stronger and I will and I can fight through this.

December 1, 2019 0

Birthday Blues

Today is my 31st birthday. Yes 31st, I’m getting old lol In person I look about 18 or 25. I can’t help that I have a baby face lol. Anyway by reading the title I know you are wondering why I’m so sad today. To be honest this has been the worse birthday since my mother died. I’ve always had trouble celebrating my birthday. Maybe because I feel like some people don’t put in effort to be here for me or when I plan something it doesn’t go how I pictured it. I was going to leave the house to do something by myself but my anxiety was at a ten. Instead I stayed home and locked myself in the house. I wasn’t in the mood to celebrate anymore. My depression and anxiety has been awful to me all day. It makes me feel like no one cares about me and I’m better off isolating myself. My friends and family been texting,calling and video chatting all day. Am I wrong for ignoring them or replying back in a dry text response? What is it about my birthday that has me in deep depression? Its suppose to be exciting and a joyful day…right?

September 15, 2019 2