Laying on my bed, in my dark bedroom. Listening to the rain as it hit my window. The sound of the thunder and the sight of the lighting calms me down. I am tired of depression and anxiety taking up space in my brain. I try to ignore it, but the feeling is getting stronger. Tears rolling down my face because I can’t take it anymore. Feeling worthless and feeling suffocated of the darkness of depression…I feel afraid of giving into my horrible negative thoughts. I shut my eyes and I see a beautiful face with a gorgeous smile looking at me. She’s an angel, glowing like the bright yellow sun. She looks at me and say ” It will be okay” She hugged me and kiss me on the forehead. Before she left she told me “Continue to make me proud. Don’t give up. I love you my daughter.” I told her okay mom. I got this. I love you too. I opened my eyes and felt a feeling of peace.
The Diary of Depression and Anxiety
Where do I begin?
Battling depression and anxiety is overwhelming. Depression feels like a dark, rainy cloud hovering over me. A person following me telling me how worthless I am and nobody wants me here.
I was told that anxiety is suppose to keep me safe from harm and danger. But sometimes I feel like it keep me isolated from the things I want to do in my life.
The voices are so loud and scary. What can I do? Then a powerful voice of God tells me to pray. I say “Oh God!! Take this pain and dark thoughts away from me!” I keep talking to God and crying out to him. All of the sudden I feel his peace, love and protection. He let me know that he is aways with me to fight through this battle of depression and anxiety. I am strong enough to get through this. Philippians 4:13 says I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
Late Night Thoughts pt.7
Comfort zone is being fearful of the unknown. Not knowing what is behind the door. I know it can be scary, but behind that door with your name on it are other opportunities waiting for you. Someone once told me…If you continue to stay in your comfort zone,you won’t grow into the person that you are meant to be.
A lost little girl
She was 12 years old when it happened. Everything changed when her mother died from stomach cancer. She ran to the waiting room in the hospital in fear of something bad happening. The words from her uncles mouth, “Your mom passed away.” It felt like his words wasn’t clear to her ears. The room was spinning, she felt like she was dreaming and wanted to wake up. Her world was turned upside down. She never thought in a million years, that something so tragic could happen to her. 12 years-old without a mom. How was she suppose to live her life without a mother to guide her into the woman she was created to be? She would questioned herself… Why did this happen to me? Why did she have to leave me so soon? At 12 years-old is a young age to loose a mom. She felt angry, sad, and confused. Who is she?
I am that lost little girl.
Late Night Thoughts pt. 6
I am walking along an outdoor path. Ahead, I see the path splits into two. The path on the left enters a dense forest, the one on the right enters a series of hills and valleys. I choose to follow the path to the hills and valleys. Far away I see a door. I am not sure what is on the other side of this door, but I am curious to know. As I am walking up the steep hills, I become hot, tired and my legs starts to burn. I come across fallen trees blocking my path and huge rocks forcing me to climb over. I want to give up, but I must get to that door. I finally make it and what reads on the door, “Exit Comfort Zone” and a list of goals I want to work on. This journey taught me there are more opportunities out there for me if I step out of my comfort zone. I will not grow if keep that door close.
My Depression Thoughts
I don’t think people understand behind my smile and laughter is a lost soul searching for happiness…searching for a way out. My depression makes me feel numb, emotionless, confused & invisible. I’m not sure how else to explain it. I wish this feeling would go away.
Living Life without You * A Letter to my Mom*
Dear Mom,
Today makes nineteen years since God called you home. At the age of twelve I was so confused and didn’t understand what was happening. The only thing I did understand was you left and you wasn’t coming back. In my preteen and teenager years I really needed you. To talk to me about boys, how to be comfortable with myself and seeing me on prom night. Those types of moments I cried for you. As an adult its much harder because I haven’t accepted your passing and don’t know how to cope. I miss you on your birthday, your anniversary and don’t get me started on Mother’s Day. Its been the most difficult day for me since you died. I miss you so much and wish you were here with me. Sometimes I get so sad and angry and I start to ask God Why? Why me? Why my mother? Then I start to realize that he needed you and it was time for you to go. I remember you would look at the sky and say ” I’m ready to be with the lord.” As a child I never understood what you meant by that but now I do. You had cancer and it was making you sick and tired. Now you are in heaven looking fabulous and feeling better. I know you didn’t want to leave me, dad, Alexus and Bubba but, just know your kids turned out to be great adults and dad raised us well. God let me have you for twelve years…I’m grateful for that and I will continue to hold on to the memories that we shared close to my heart. I know you are not here in body but, you are with me in spirit, always and forever. I promise I will keep your legacy alive. This is not a day to be upset that you are not here but, a day to celebrate your life. You were here on earth for thirty-four years and you lived a great one. I love you and miss you so much.
Your oldest daughter,
Chanel Alissa Rose
An Introduction about Myself
Hello, my name is Chanel Alissa Rose. Today makes a year since I had this blog page. I don’t think I properly introduce myself. So, I thought it would be a great idea to give a short intro about why I decided to start a blog.
Let me start from the very beginning. I was at school talking to one of my friends about starting a blog about mental health. He told me I should share my journey because I will never know who I’ll inspire. At that time I wasn’t sure if I could do it but, him encouraging me gave me the motivation to give it a try. I wanted to start a blog to share my journey about mental health. I have a story to tell and I want to share it with the entire world. My blog page is a way I express my feelings and feel free and confident with myself. I hope my writing continues to help others. I want people to know that they are not alone and its okay to not to be okay.
I have connected with some amazing people on here and I am so blessed and honored for my followers. My blog has grown so much in a year and I feel grateful.
Late Night Thoughts pt 2
Sitting on the beach watching the sun rise.
Feeling the cool breeze against my face while drinking a cup of coffee.
Listening to the waves of the water. Its so quiet,calming and peaceful. Just the way I like it.
Then my mind wonders into a different thought process.
I start to think about all the obstacles and challenges I had to endure after my mother died when I was twelve. It was a lot of heart ache & pain I had to deal with at a young age.
That pain carried on into my adulthood.
I’m still hurting and it’s going to take some time to heal.
Late Night Thoughts
Its 2 a.m, dark and cloudy.
I can feel the vibration of thunder rattling against my window.
I can see the the reflection of the lighting as it strikes the dark skies.
Laying in my bed in the dark listening to music trying to calm my mind.
I have so many thoughts in my head, it overwhelms me.
I ask myself…Am I a bad person for having a mental illness?
Am I a burden to my friends and family?
Do I deserve to be here?
My depression makes me feel like I’m worthless.
Having these thoughts frustrates me.
But I know deep down in my soul these thoughts are not true.
I have to keep reminding myself…I am stronger than my mental illness and it doesn’t define who I am.
The Road to Recovery 