Focusing on my Mental Health.

Since this is Mental Health Awareness Month, I want to talk about how important it is to take care of your mental health. Recently, I was in a bad place. My depression and anxiety was out of control. I felt like I was losing myself as a person.

It was the last week of the Spring semester, I had finals that week and Mother’s Day weekend was coming up (Mother’s Day has always been a tough holiday for me since my mom passed). I was feeling stressed out and overwhelmed with everything that was going on in my life at that time. I was in deep depression. I would always put myself put things and people before me. I decided it would be best to not attend any classes this summer like I had planned. Its best to take a break until August (fall semester) and focus more on my mental health. I’m learning how important it is to put myself first and worry about other things later. I got so busy with school, work, and everything that was going on around me, I forgot about CHANEL. Having this time off would be a great opportunity to get my mental health back on track. Meaning loving myself more and getting in touch with my emotions. I have to start doing what’s best for me.

What does focusing on your mental health looks like to you?

May 28, 2020 0

The Challenges of being Sober

Its been a year and seven months since I decided to stop drinking alcohol . The reason why I choose to be sober, I wasn’t happy with the person I was while being drunk. I was using alcohol as a coping strategy to deal with my depression and anxiety. It’s been a long journey and I am proud of myself for making it this far, but I am battling some challenges of trying to stay sober. Going out with my friends I feel out of place because I’m the only one not drinking. For some reason it causes me to have anxiety. In order for me to have fun and be myself I have to be drunk. When I’m in deep depression and in stressful situations I crave alcohol. I need it to feel numb, to forget about my problems. I am more open about being sober, but I also receive negative and positive responses from people. Some are supportive and some don’t have faith that I can keep going because I was a heavy drinker. What’s been helping me is talking to my counselor. She has taught me without the alcohol I am coping better with my emotions, learning its okay not to drink to have fun and feel more comfortable with myself . I’m a fighter and believe that I can make it through this.

May 20, 2020 3

The Feeling of Emotions

Who is this woman full of anger & frustration?
Feeling lost, hopeless & misunderstood.
No faith that everything will be okay.
Sitting in the dark crying her eyes out with voices screaming in her head of how bad of a person she is.
She is better off not being here.
She tries to block out the voices but it won’t go away.
Why is she feeling like this?
Where are these emotions coming from?
Is it because she doesn’t have her mom here?
She had a tough childhood?
She doesn’t feel loved?
She feels alone.

All these questions racing in her head but can’t find the answers.
She wants to be happy.
She want to be free.

April 9, 2020 0

Social Anxiety and Drinking

I been dealing with Social Anxiety all my life but I didn’t noticed it until I became and adult. Social Anxiety makes me feel uncomfortable,awkward,alone and shy to the point I want to leave the event early. I don’t talk as much especially to people I don’t know. When I meet new people I feel that its hard for me to be myself…I have to be someone else for people to like me. I feel out of place…I don’t belong. I can’t go out in large groups without having a panic attack. I get this overwhelming feeling of being trapped in a small box with a lot of noise and people. I can’t breathe…I can’t move my body. Then theirs this voice telling to drink to feel better “Be Myself” again. I been sober for a year and six months. I can’t go back to how I was before. Drinking only makes the numbness temporary…it won’t fix the problem.

March 9, 2020 0

The Pressure of being Perfect

Throughout my life I felt like I had to be perfect at everything. When it comes to school I can’t make any bad grades & if I did I would beat myself up… thinking I am a complete failure. I guess you can call me a perfectionist. This is my last year in college. I will be getting my associates degree in psychology in December of this year. Exciting right?! but I haven’t been feeling so happy. I been so stressed out, overwhelmed & my anxiety has been so bad since this semester started. I was talking to someone on social media & we were discussing about how our last year has been good so far. You are probably wondering why…I’m suppose to be happy. Yea I am but lately I been feeling a lot of pressure. I tell myself “Okay Chanel this is you last year. Everything has to be perfect & on point. My grades & GPA have to be perfect & I have to stay on the honor society. IT MUST BE PERFECT!” But does it really matter? Do I have to be perfect at everything? No I don’t. Yes grades do matter & I’m pretty sure other universities will look at that but that won’t keep me from going further into my education. I had to think & realize that my grades doesn’t define my intelligence. If I pass a class with a C or if I get dropped from the honor society because of my GPA. ITS OKAY! That doesn’t make me a bad student. All I want is to graduate & get my degree. I now realize that I have to stop putting so much pressure on myself & its okay not to be perfect.

February 19, 2020 0

What is Life?!

For the pass couple of week I been struggling with my mental health. With feeling stress & overwhelmed with school & personal stuff that is going on in my life, its been hard one me mentally & physically. It has gotten to the point that my mind is in a dark place, I have these urges to self-harm & drink heavily again. My emotions are all over the place & its affecting my ability to function properly. Honestly, its scaring me & I really don’t want to be in this dark place. I feel like my depression & anxiety is this loud dark voice that won’t leave me alone. It seems like once I’m in my happy place & everything is okay…that’s when depression creeps up & talks to me so loud saying how I don’t deserve to be happy, I’m not strong or why don’t I end everything. Its so frustrating because most times I feel like I can’t be happy & sometimes I do believe that voice. I always ask myself “What is Life?” What I mean is…Do I have strength to continue to keep going? The answer is yes I do! I have to keep fighting & tell myself that everything is going to be okay. I’m more than my mental illness & it doesn’t define who I am. I will overcome this battle.

February 12, 2020 2

Reflection of 2019

Happy New Year to everyone!! I hope this year brings you joy,happiness and healing.

2019 was a emotional roller coaster. Dealing with my grandmother’s cancer, family issues, and stress from school it caused my mental and physically health to decline. I would always ask myself how in the world did I make it this far? With the getting professional help, I manged to learn the correct way of coping with my mental illness. 2019 taught me some valuable lessons and I learned a lot about myself. Who I was a person and what amazing things I could do.

2020 is my year to shine and continue to work on my mental health. I’m excited to see what this year has in store for me.

January 1, 2020 0

The Life as a College Student

Going to college is a exciting experience for me. At the age of 31 I finally get to start working towards my career. Sometimes college can be a bit much, especially having a anxiety disorder. This fall semester was stressful. Taking a total of five classes was too much to handle. I hold myself to a higher standard. I’m the type of student that I have to make A’s and B’s & must have the perfect GPA. I had put so much pressure on myself that I would label myself dumb if I made a C or below on a assignment or test. I would come home after working a nine hour shift and would do homework all night. I felt like their was no room for self care because I was too busy doing school work and that had to come first. I was extremely stressed out trying to get everything done and perfect. The stress caused my mental and physical health to decline. I really had to think about what was more important, my school work or my health. Of course both of them are really important but my health comes first. The first thing I did was try to finish out the rest of the semester without stressing out. I told myself I will do my best to finish all my assignments and exams. If I didn’t pass my classes, that was okay and I can’t give up. The next thing I did was lighten up the load of my classes for next spring,summer & fall semester. This means I won’t be graduating on time and that’s okay. I have to stop being so hard on myself and know my mental and physical health is more important than anything. As long I get my associates degree that’s all that matters.

!Update!: I did end up passing all my classes for the semester with four A’s,two B’s and a B GPA. That is something to be proud of and I’m happy that I made the choice of not to give up.

December 27, 2019 0

My Celebration

“Don’t need to drink heavily to feel numb”‘

I know I’ am a month late, but I want to share some exciting news. On October 1st was my one year that I decided to stop the heavy drinking. My goal was not to be sober but to stop using alcohol as a coping strategy to deal with my pain. Alcohol at that time was my best friend. My bottle of vodka was with me when I felt like I had nobody. It kept me company at all times and supported me. It was the only friend I had but I had to let it go because it was becoming too toxic for me. To stop drinking was the best decision I made and I’m glad I did it. Of course I struggle a lot especially when I’m having a bad day. What helps me is, I remind myself how I was being crazy drunk to numb myself and forget about my problems. I don’t want to go back to being that person.

November 1, 2019 0

Will be Back Soon

Hello everyone!

I know I haven’t been writing, its been a crazy few months. With school going on and personal stuff that’s been happening in my life…I haven’t had time for my blog. I’ll be back soon! I have a lot to share about my mental health and hope my blogs will inspire you guys.

Take care and be blessed!

October 16, 2019 0